I hate shopping
I don’t like to go shopping by myself and certainly not with other people.
I simply hate it.
Although it is a necessary evil, I detest it.
The primary reason I don’t like it is because I don’t like being around a bunch of other people meandering about with screaming kids and or elderly people blocking the aisles with their shopping carts talking about Edna’s lumbago.
For that reason I make every effort to plan my trips for whatever it is that I need at a time when there are fewer crowds, thus saving me time and making it more of an “In and Out” process.
I am successful in this endeavor, most of the time, but there is one place that I have to go for my four legged children’s needs that I simply can’t get anywhere else in town; Wal-Mart
I briefly experimented with going to Wal-Mart at four o’clock in the morning since they are kind enough to be open 24 hours a day. But I quickly learned that is where the possessed go to mingle at that bewitching hour.
Without going into too much detail about my experience during that time let me just say this…
To my knowledge they make brassieres to fit any women’s breast size, it is not necessary to tuck them under your belt to have them “supported”.
Secondly; neck and or facial tattoos of swastikas, Jesus, or dolphins isn’t artistic, it’s just creepy.
Even if Jesus is riding a dolphin and carrying a swastika as one young man I saw had.
And lastly, I think it is completely inappropriate to drop the adult mentally handicapped off at Wal-Mart while you go to work third shift at the Charcoal Plant. It isn’t an adult day care folks.
Although I will admit, the guy running around the Sporting Goods Department with the motorcycle helmet on screaming “ZOOM ZOOM!” was entertaining even if it was slightly disturbing at that hour.
But that aside, I couldn’t find any time that I could go to Wal-Mart to satisfy my four legged children’s treat fix that it wasn’t either crowded, weird or both.
That was until I came up with a way to entertain myself and make the experience of shopping at Wal-Mart and all other places I have to go “enjoyable”.
How might you ask did I accomplish that?
I invented a “game” that will enhance your shopping excursions and make it an enjoyable and oftentimes educational experience.
You can play by yourself or with others that are accompanying you on your shopping extravaganza.
Before you say it, I know, I know it’s Genius.
It’s called “You Shouldn’t have Worn That”
Here is how the game is played.
Upon exiting your vehicle you must announce a number out loud.
For example you would get out of your vehicle, lock it and say “Eight”
The number you call out is the number of people you will recognize as someone who “Shouldn’t Have Worn That” selection of apparel or whatever into the particular establishment you will be shopping in.
You may NOT count any “winners” until you cross the threshold of the store, meaning anyone you see as a potential “number” in the parking lot does not count towards your overall score.
Once you have crossed the threshold of the store, be it Wal-Mark, K-Mart, Kroger’s etc..
The Game begins…
The Rules are as follows:
ANNOUNCEMENT: It is imperative that you announce your number upon exiting the vehicle.
OFF LIMITS: No employees of the Store will count in the number, nor will any handicapped, the elderly or children, unless the parents of the child dressed them in a way that was clearly the parent’s idea and then they will count. As an example, if a male child of four years of age has a green Mohawk (Not his idea) and an earring (Also not his idea), then you may count him as one of your numbers in the game.
SCORING: Each person that you deem as “Shouldn’t Have Worn That”, counts only as “One” point, regardless if the female in question looks like the product of Shamu’s one nightstand with a Detroit hooker, it still only counts as one point.
1.You cannot count the same person twice, regardless of his or her size. Example: A hemorphidite with a partial mullet hair cut does not count as two persons.
2.If you are playing the game with someone other than yourself, then all parties have to see the “prospective” person in question for the number to count. You are not allowed to wander away from your party and “hunt” alone. This insures the integrity of the game for all participants.
3.You must identify the number aloud upon seeing someone that “Shouldn’t Have Worn That”; this should follow a simple to follow numerical order such as, 1, 2 3, and so on.
4.If you and your fellow game players are unable to agree on a “prospective” person as being awarded a number or if you disagree on the numerical bonus award, then that particular person will NOT count in the overall score. This will ensure that we all play well together.
5.“Price is Right” rules are in effect for this game, meaning you can be “Under” but not “Over” the selected number. As an example: If you were to exit your vehicle with a friend who was also playing the game with you and he or she said “Ten” and you said “Seventeen” and the final tally upon exiting the store was “Sixteen” the individual that picked “Ten” won because they were “under” and not “over”.
6.Upon exiting the threshold of the store the game ends and the score or scores are collected to determine the final winner.
7.The score that was closest to the individual or individuals selected number without going over is declared the winner.
BONUS POINTS: Bonus points can be earned if you see a midget (Two Points), a midget with noticeable tattoos is an extra (One) point. So in this particular case a “little person” with noticeable tattoos counts as three points.
NOTE: I choose this method of scoring “Little People”, not because I find them scary or because I think they are trying to kill me. I choose this due to the inherent discrimination in our society that somehow believes that “Little People” don’t carry the same worth as regular size people. Thus in this game “Little People” are worth at least twice the score of a “regular” size person. I like to think of this as Diversity in action.
OTHER BONUS POINTS: Anyone with a noticeable neck or facial tattoo also gets an extra (one) point. As an example, if you see a teenager with his hair dyed like a leopard wearing Sponge Bob Square pants pajamas that are attached to the chains dangling from his nose, although a disturbing visual, it only counts as “one” point. However, “If” that person in question had a neck or facial tattoo of Gumby riding a Unicorn they would receive an “extra” one point. Thus this person in the illustrated example (No pun intended) would count as “two” points.
Any noticeable “Butt Crack” on a male or female also counts as an additional point.
Anyone above the age of 18 wearing a Coonskin Cap that is not either a Daniel Boone or Davy Crockett re-enactor counts as an additional (One) Point.
Any person having more than the allotted ten digits on their two hands or two feet count as an additional (One) point, as does anyone wearing sandals or flip-flops that appears to have a clove foot.
NOTE: These bonus points are more easily attained when the majority of the population lives near large power lines.
It is important to note that these rules are governed by “The International You Shouldn’t Have Worn That Council” (IYSNHWTC) of which I elected myself the esteemed President for Life. Any copying or reproduction of IYSNHWTC material or images or usurping of the IYSNHWTC rules and authority is strictly prohibited and is punishable by spending a week in Vern Lunquests underwear.
As to the future of this fast growing “Sport”, The IYSNHWTC is currently petitioning the Olympic Committee for inclusion in the 2016 Moscow Olympics. Don’t laugh; Bowling and Badminton are already in the Olympics.
But before I leave you to the game….
One last word; if someone passes you in Wal-Mart and you hear them say “That’s a Ten”, don’t take be too quick to take it as a compliment; they may be playing the game too.