I like to think of myself as a patient person.
I really do.
I don’t get upset about waiting in line, waiting in a restaurant or waiting on a woman.
Like I said, I am patient.
But I will tell you when I am not patient, is when I am a patient in a doctor’s examination room.
Now don’t misunderstand me, I don’t become aggravated or fussy because I am left alone in a doctor’s examination room. I won’t ever become agitated, argumentative or even angry for being left unattended for long periods of time in that room alone.
Because, you see, I have my own personal “Rules” for waiting.
So, what are those rules, you might ask?
“IF” I am left alone in a doctor’s examination room for over fifteen minutes.
I start taking “things” from the examination room.
Let me explain
I think it’s important to note here that I do not condone or approve of stealing in any form.
It’s just wrong and it’s even in the Ten Commandments.
I think it’s also worth noting that I don’t see what I do so much as stealing, as it is I am paying a lot of money to be seen by some doctor or a doctor’s assistant or whatever and they need to be a bit more “attentive” to my needs.
So, in some small way, this is my way of making “them” pay for making me wait.
Think of it as the “Ying and Yang” of customer service.
Now, don’t get the wrong idea.
I am not some crazy person that is pilfering the cabinets for drugs or dangerous objects.
I take my pain medication in the liquid form and I have never robbed a liquor store.
Just so you know
While we are at it don’t think I am a Kleptomanic either, that’s not true.
I am Baptist
But to briefly explain the process here once we hit the fifteen minute mark…
I will typically start with towels and in some cases lots of towels.
I can’t begin to tell you how many towels of all sizes I have that have stamped on them:
“Vanderbilt University Medical Center”
EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me those things come in handy
“IF” my wait extends to thirty minutes, I will move on to the tongue depressors
At one time I had so many tongue depressors, that I got liquored up one Saturday afternoon and with the help of Elmer’s Glue, I built an Eiffel Tower replica to 1/10 scale.
It was impressive I assure you.
Viva La Paris Texas, I say!
But I am sure by now you think I am wandering around the examination room like a rabid raccoon opening drawers and cabinets and touching all the stuff with my unwashed paws.
EDITORS NOTE: The above might be true in some regard but I’m not peeing on anything.
Once my stay in the examination room extends to forty minutes, I will start taking all the boxes of rubber gloves in the room.
EDITORS NOTE: Just so you know, due to these “acquisitions” my hands still appear supple and attractive after cleaning showers, bathrooms and sinks etc.
Now you are probably wondering “where” I put all these items.
“NO” not there.
EDITORS NOTE: Despite the fact the biopsy thingy goes thru “there” does not make my butt the Holland Tunnel. Just so you know and shame on you for thinking that.
I always wear a fleece, jacket or a coat and I wrap all my “items” up in it. O’ sure sometimes when I have left Vanderbilt Medical Center it looks like I am carrying a small mattress. But I just smile, make eye contact and no one has ever said anything to me as I leave the offices.
Well, they may say something “now” after they read this.
But, let’s move on
In the event I wait over forty-five minutes in a physician’s waiting room.
Then I become somewhat more determined
Before you ask, “No” I have never taken some crappy out of date magazines from any doctor’s office.
There is no value in that.
Once after waiting for fifty minutes I took ten boxes of rectal thermometers
You may be thinking, “Doesn’t this guy have a conscience?”
How dare you!
Of course, I do!
After one particular trip to Vanderbilt, I had ten boxes of rubber gloves, about ten towels and an assortment of tongue depressors and some rectal thermometers and I was worried that “IF” I was to have an accident or was stopped by the police on the way home the police would question me why I had a “Serial Killers Starter Kit” in my vehicle.
I guess the only thing would be missing is duct tape, ski rope and some hand lotion.
EDITORS NOTE: I got the above information from a Hallmark movie I saw once, honest
I have performed this act of “defiance” many times in other Doctor’s offices where I am forced to wait for an undetermined amount of time.
But just so you know
I haven’t ever done that in a dentist office though.
For two important reasons
One, they are prompt in their response to patients typically
Two, they don’t have anything worth a hoot worth taking that’s not nailed down.
Cotton Balls, really?
I wouldn’t take those damn things; I am better than that.
But for doctor’s and physicians let me say this.
God forbid you leave me in that examination room for an hour alone.
I don’t care if the cute little nurse comes by occasionally and says to me;
“We are really busy; the Doctor will see you shortly. Thank you for your patience”
Smile that cute smile all you want darling, but when the clock strikes an hour, it’s game on.
I have taken a very nice Royal Palm tree from one office and no it didn’t go in my fleece.
I just walked out with it, along with my stash wrapped in my fleece.
I have taken a case of toilet paper once
I have taken a big roll; of the thin paper they use on the tables you sit on
EDITORS NOTE: That stuff isn’t worth anything other than being a fire starter
Medical robes and uniforms
The list goes on and on
Once I took a stethoscope, it was really nice to by the way
I still have it somewhere
It comes in handy when I wear my “Dr. M. E. Blackwood, MD” laminated name tag.
EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me, I was a Doctor for a week once and just so you know, I didn’t make my patents wait either. Not that I had any “real” patents per se, but you get the point.
In the event you are wondering if I have ever been caught, I haven’t.
I was close once when a Doctor’s Assistant came in the office while I was rolling towels up and putting them in my fleece. She just looked and didn’t say anything as I smiled.
It’s all in the presentation folks
Some of you may be also wondering, other than questioning my sanity;
What the hell does this guy do with all this stuff?
I will tell you
You might judge me harshly after reading this brief article
But I will tell you
“IF” You ever need some rubber gloves, towels or a good stethoscope I am your man.
But if you are needing any rectal thermometers, no need to contact me.
I gave them all away last year to trick or treaters during Halloween.
Now that I think about it, that may explain the lack of traffic during Halloween this year.
I just thought it was the Pandemic, who knew?