During these difficult and trying times we are all experiencing we all need to stick together.
Well, maybe “not” stick together per se, as social distancing is the norm for now.
But it occurred to me…
This is where I can be of service to you, my loyal readers.
You see, I have been preparing for this my whole life.
I have been socially distancing myself from Auburn and Tennessee fans all my life.
Before I provide a brief tutorial for you on social distancing
It’s worth noting that there are notable exceptions to that rule I just mentioned.
Doc’s wonderful Auburn Veterinarian (Dr. Bruce) and his incredible staff.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that certainly not “all” Tennessee fans are loud and obnoxious.
Just the ones from Hillbilly Taliban Country.
The “College Football Rule” of Social Distancing can be applied easily and with little effort.
The same can be said between Florida State fans and Florida Gator Fans
South Carolina Gamecock Fans and Clemson Tiger Fans
Kentucky Wildcat Fans and Louisville Cardinal Fans
This application is easy and applies within the realm of college football because none of those opposing fans care to “share social” anything with the other.
But “what if” that isn’t the case where you live?
With that being said, you may be thinking,
“It must be easy for you to practice social distancing living alone with “Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab”
Although that is indeed a true statement, it’s worth noting my social skills haven’t diminished.
So, with that in mind, let’s dive right into the subject at hand
(Speaking of hands, don’t forget to scrub another layer of skin off them while you are at it too)
Think of social distancing in this way…..
You see someone wearing a Bernie Sanders t-shirt near you, what do you do?
Although that is an immediate repellent to me personally, primarily because Bernie still refuses to answer why he lied to Marty McFly about the Fluxcopasator, but I digress.
What do you do?
Avoid them, why? Because socialism is a disease too,
Social distancing also involves avoiding useless discussions with strangers.
Such as what you may be asking yourself?
Let’s say you are in your local grocery store and you see someone wearing a coast guard hat.
In the event you are a veteran, do not exchange pleasantries or acknowledge his choice of hat.
You will be subjected to such an annoying conversation that you may be forced to violate the six feet social distancing rule and smack them in the mouth.
You may be forced to hear….
“I am a military veteran too you know?”
EDITORS NOTE: They aren’t in the Department of Defense, enough said
“The coast guard’s mission is every bit as dangerous as everybody else’s.”
EDITORS NOTE: I was unaware checking “if” someone was drinking while driving a boat, looking for flotation devices and asking for a fishing license was dangerous.
See how annoying that could become?
Best to just keep your social distance from such foolishness and stay safe.
I know what you are thinking
Sure, it’s easy to avoid the crazy cat lady in the Hazmat suit on the electric scooter that smells like wet cat food and pancakes. But what about your neighbor?
Just remember he hasn’t returned the leaf blower you loaned him last September.
What about your family and your loved ones?
How do maintain social distance from them?
Although I have no point of reference here, I do think it’s important to be honest with yourself.
You really don’t like most of them anyway, just use social distancing as a good excuse to avoid contact with them, even over the phone. Tell them, you heard the virus can be transmitted over the phone and you will have the next few weeks of peace and quiet.
You may be asking, well what about my children?
Again. I have no point of reference for two-legged children so I will simply remind you to recall the crappy gift they got you for Christmas last year.
In the event the gift was manufactured by Ronco and was ether a Chop-o-Matic, a pocket fisherman or GLH-9 Hair in a Can Spay (Or all three) then social distancing is the perfect excuse to avoid them.
EDITORS NOTE: In the event you talk to your children over the phone during the quarantine cough occasionally, speak in a slow shuttered voice and remind them that “you hope” last Christmas wasn’t your last. Then say how you really wished you would have gotten that 55- inch plasma HD Television you asked for last year. Remember, “guilt” is a healthy motivator.
What about your mother-in-law and your spouse’s Aunt Edna?
You know they despise you, so why not stretch this social distancing thing out until next year.
Invent a story, you know like CNN always does, about how this “virus” may hang around until 2021, that way you won’t have them visiting during the holidays.
Some of the younger people in the audience might be saying
“I miss bar hopping and hanging out with my friends”
I have just the idea, that will still allow you to maintain social distance
Set up a small drinking station or a cooler in each room of your house or apartment and then go from room to room and have yourself a grand time hooting it up without the trouble of calling a cab or whatever.
Now I know, you will respond with “But what about my friends?”
Let’s be honest here.
You damn young people are all social misfits as you stand in a crowded room and text each other, so the fact of the matter is you aren’t “really” missing each other’s company.
Just text them later and send pictures on Snapchat or whatever. It’s the same thing.
At this point you are either calling me a lunatic or proclaiming me a genius.
Regardless, enjoy this time of social distancing.
It can provide you an ample opportunity to become a good cook or a binge drinker or maybe even both. I am not judging you.
I have more “Social Distancing Tips” to share with you this weekend but right now “Doc” and I need to make a liquor store run.
EDITORS NOTE: I didn’t judge you, so don’t judge me It’s Doc’s Birthday for goodness sake.
But in the meantime, keep smiling, keep laughing and always Keep the Faith