Worse First Date Ever
Ladies and Gentlemen –
As I proceed through this little medical process of mine I was reminded, due to the number of very kind and attractive nurses in my midst, that there was a time in my youth when I had a “thing” for nurses.
Maybe it was the white uniforms, maybe it was the noble endeavor of their career choice, I don’t know, I am sure it wasn’t their shoes. But I did think they were (For the most part) a beautiful bunch of ladies.
This leads me to the story of the Worst First Date Ever and one of the most, if not the most, embarrassing thing that ever happened to me with a member of the opposite sex.
I was a young single Marine Lieutenant stationed in California and I was enjoying every minute of it.
That was until I made a trip down to the Regional Naval Hospital to check on one of my Marines that had gotten banged up during a training event.
That was when I saw her…
Nurse Susan came walking down the hallway and I was smitten.
I talked to her for a brief moment and called her later and asked her out on a date and she said “No” because she said “she thought Marines were too wild.”
Who me? Surely she had me confused with someone else.
So I chased her, which would almost be described today as “stalking” but I didn’t do anything creepy, I was just persistent. Which I guess is against the law now too.
But nonetheless I kept calling and asking her out and each and every time she would say “No”.
That was until I left for a month and a half to the Cold Weather Mountain Training Center in the high Sierra Mountains. My gift of writing wooed her when my Southern charm clearly couldn’t.
When I wasn’t training and freezing my ass off in the thirty below zero temperatures (That’s right I said thirty below zero) I was professing my undying affection for Nurse Susan through letters.
And it paid off.
A week before I was to leave the Mountains of snow and ice for the sunny confines of southern California I received a letter from her that said she would go out on a date with me.
When I returned the following Friday I was to go by and pick her up at her mother’s house and we would go see a movie that she and I had discussed in our letters.
To say I was excited was an understatement.
I couldn’t wait to get back for our date and that last week in the snow and bitter cold seemed to take forever.
But the Friday did arrive and my Marines and I packed up and headed back to warm and sunny southern California.
I called her as soon as I got back in my office, the date was still a “go” and she finished the conversation by saying…
“I can’t wait to see you”
I couldn’t get our weapons turned into the armory fast enough, but it finally got done and everything was accounted for so it was time for the three most favorite words in any Marines vocabulary; “Sound Liberty Call”
I literally jumped out of my uniform in into my civilian clothes.
The time had finally arrived for my date with Nurse Susan.
I left the Marine Base and merged on to Interstate 5 headed for San Clemente with visions of Nurse Susan dancing in my head.
I exited the interstate at the El Camino Real Exit and I was at the first stop light in San Clemente when I made my first mistake of the evening.
While waiting at that red light the inviting smell of Taco Bell came drifting across the road and filled the confines of my new car.
Now before we go on I need to back up for just for a just a second or two…
I had just spent a long month and a half in thirty below zero weather without a hot meal and to tell you the truth the last week and a half that I was there my butt wouldn’t cooperate when I needed to take care of my personal business. I would go out in the woods and drop my trousers and that twenty five mile an hour bitterly cold wind would hit my butt and snow and ice would smack me and I just couldn’t go, if you know what I mean.
And it’s worth mentioning here, for those of you that don’t know me, I don’t eat fast food; Ever
Not that I have some personal grudge or whatever against those establishments, it’s nothing quite that profound. I just don’t eat fast food, never have.
So with that being said….
Those delicious smells made my stomach grumble and I listened to those rumblings instead of that soft still voice in my head that was telling me “this may not be a good idea”
So I wheeled through the drive-thru and purchased one taco and two bean burritos and a Pepsi.
I hadn’t smelled anything as wonderful as that sack full of hot food in a very long time.
Before I got out of the parking lot and back on to El Camino Real I had already eaten the taco and was halfway through the first bean burrito when the first pain hit me.
By the time I got to the next red light I had sweat rolling down my back and I was driving with only one butt cheek on the driver’s seat.
I ran the next two red lights with my foot on the gas pedal while clinching both butt cheeks hovering over my seat.
I was now sweating profusely
I rolled into the driveway of Nurse Susan’s Mother’s House and gingerly exited my vehicle.
I met Nurse Susan at the door and was introduced to her Mother.
She said it was nice to meet me and began asking me questions about where I was from etc…
All the while I was sweating and clinching my butt cheeks…
I interrupted her briefly by asking…
“I hate to interrupt you, but may I use your restroom?”
Certainly she said its right down the hall….
Fighting the urge to run down that hallway as fast as I could holding on to the seat of my pants, I walked briskly down the hall to her bathroom.
Before I go any further I have a scientific theory to run by you…
Have you ever noticed that when you really (As in Really) have to go to the bathroom, that the closer you get to the toilet the worse you have to go?
Do you know why?
I think it’s because your butt can smell water.
I barely got the bathroom door closed before I was tearing my trousers open and getting them down
How can I put this delicately?
I set on that toilet until my watch was loose on my wrist.
I know because I checked my watch when I was done and I had been in there for about twenty minutes.
Not too bad I told myself, that’s not that long. They will just think I was freshening up.
So I flushed the toilet and crossed the collection of furry bathroom rugs to the bathroom sink and began washing my hands.
I don’t know why, but as I was washing my hands I felt the need to look over my shoulder at the toilet.
O’ MY GOD!
The water in that toilet was rising fast and was almost to the rim!
I froze! I couldn’t move!
All I could muster was a high pitched squeaking sound that reminded me of a Dolphin caught in a tuna net.
Jiggling the handle was damn sure not going to work, I was way past that point.
There wasn’t anything I could do but watch the tsunami of poop overflowing the toilet.
My God, It looked like somebody had stirred up a nest of water moccasins as the contents of the toilet flowed onto the bathroom floor and all over the furry bathroom rugs.
As the toilet took one last hiccup to empty its contents, I slipped out of the bathroom and closed the door quickly behind me.
Standing with the bathroom door to my back and with my hand still on the doorknob, Nurse Susan’s Mother asked me, “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, you bet” I said, “but say you wouldn’t happen to have a snow shovel, a squeegee; a large plastic garbage bag and about forty dollars worth of paper towels would you?”
That was when Nurse Susan and her Mother walked towards me with puzzled looks on their faces.
As I was trying to maintain my composure and keep eye contact with Nurse Susan and give her my “Everything is Alright Darling” look, her Mother pushed on the bathroom door and the doorknob slipped out of my hand and the door swung open.
I don’t know what got them first, the smell or the visual of the disaster that was once their bathroom.
Between her mother’s repeated gags and howls of “Oh My Dear God!” and the looks of utter shock and disgust I was receiving from Nurse Susan, I kept trying to assure them both that I would clean up the “mess” and that everything would be alright.
It was about that time that her mother said “No, just leave!”
So not really knowing what else to say at that point, I said….
“Well alright then, Susan we about have twenty minutes to make the movie we better get going”
If looks could kill there would still be a chalk line of me in the hallway of that house in San Clemente.
With a look of such distain that I can’t accurately describe here, Nurse Susan turned her back to me and said “I will help you mother”
So I walked back out to my car, probably about thirty five pounds lighter, and without anything else to do I took my battered self-esteem to see the movie.
I tried calling Nurse Susan the next day and had to leave a message….
I apologized on the message and asked to see her again…
No return calls, no nothing.
So I tried to call her again on Sunday afternoon, same thing, I had to leave a message.
I apologized (again) and asked to see her yet again, just so I could explain.
No return calls, no nothing.
Did I mention that I was persistent?
Ok, and maybe I was a little hurt too.
So Monday afternoon I drove back down to the Regional Naval Hospital to see Nurse Susan.
Before she could scream for the Military Police, I told her “I just want you to know that I am really sorry”
She stiffened her back ram rod straight and with hands on her hips told me…
“YOU destroyed my Mother’s bathroom and that damn smell won’t leave the house for six months!”
So I felt under some obligation to clear the air (So to speak) and inform Nurse Susan that..
“Look if I didn’t want to go out with you I would have just told you so, I wouldn’t have concocted an elaborate scheme that involved me pooping all over your mothers bathroom floor just to keep from going out on a date with you, and by the way that was an accident!”
So that was the end of the worse first date ever that never really got started.
I don’t think it would have worked out between us anyway…
You know, with her and her mother being so “Judgmental”