Doctor for a Week
Ladies and Gentlemen –
Many of you have been kind enough to have taken the time to ask me about my treatment
(Thank you so much)
It is going well and my relationship with my team of Doctors is quite good, especially since we are practically “colleagues” in the medical profession.
After all I was a Doctor once, for an entire week…..
Now before many of you Doctors, Nurses etc. start sending me well written and articulate emails questioned “How” I could be a licensed medical doctor for a week. Well, I never stated that I was a “licensed” medical doctor; I only said that I was a “Medical Doctor” for a week and I never said what kind of Doctor I was during that glorious week of my life.
But if you are wondering (And I know you are)….
I was a Plastic Surgeon…
Perhaps I should explain….
Some years ago I was tasked to attend a “Homeland Security Conference” at a large Southern University Law School. The attendees at this conference came from large hospital conglomerates, State Attorney Generals from across the South, various other Attorneys and Doctors with the assorted collection of Federal Law Enforcement representatives and one United States Marine (Me).
Why was I there? Because my boss, a Marine Corps General said I should attend, other than that I am not quite sure why I was there, because the topic for the entire conference didn’t have anything to do with the War of Terror, Al Qaeda or the Marine Corps.
The topic of the Conference had everything to do with the various laws regarding the “Patriot Act” and their potential impact on the Health Care and Safety of our citizens.
Hence why there were a large number of legal and medical folks attending the conference.
So I drive to the conference, find a place to park and then I get in line to “register” for the Conference.
There were two distinct lines for registration.
I immediately noticed that the line I was in received the stick-on “Hello My Name is:” name tags and the other line got nice laminated name plates with a pin.
I also noticed that along with the very nice laminated name tags they also received parking passes which the line I was standing in didn’t offer.
Then I noticed that the laminated name tag line also had access to a “special” coffee and tea room complete with pastries of all kinds, something that was clearly not offered in the line I was standing in.
Being in civilian clothes instead of my uniform, I saw a clear choice.
I moved to the other line and awaited my turn to register for the conference.
I couldn’t help but notice that the “new” line I was standing in was full of Doctors and Attorneys.
The expensive suits, dresses and hairdos were the tip-off
So when it was my turn at the registration table a nice young lady asked my name
And I told her…
The very kind lady behind the table checked for my name and said
“Sir you are in the wrong line, you should be in the line for the other table”
That is when I said, “That’s Doctor…..”
“O’ I am SOOOOOO Sorry Doctor” the lady behind the desk said….
“We will have your laminated name tag printed up for you in just a few minutes Doctor Blackwood..”
(Ahh, yes I liked the sound of that and without all the hassle of having to go to that pesky medical school and exhausting residency.)
So I had my beautiful laminated name tag, complete with “Dr.” before my name, my parking pass and a key to the executive washroom and coffee bar, everything was going smoothly until my conscience kicked in.
As I was walking down the corridor to the conference hall it struck me that if one of these lawyers had a heart attack and vapor locked in front of me one of them would look at me and say “Help him Doctor!”
So I was seriously considering these consequences and was in the process of weighing my various options when I found my way into the conference hall, which was actually the large auditorium of the University Law School.
I noticed right away that “we” doctors and the attorneys all got to set in the nice padded chairs with arm rests while the riff-raff were seated on the floor of the auditorium in fold-out aluminum funeral chairs.
I thought I would just slip in the crowd and nobody would notice me.
The festivities, as they say, hadn’t started yet so everyone in the section I was in were talking with one another and introducing themselves.
“Hello I’m Doctor So-in-So…” “Nice to meet you Doctor, I am Doctor Such-in-Such at Duke University Hospital in Charge of Cardiology”
“Doctor- Doctor it’s nice to meet you Doctor” was going on all around me…
My Mind was racing and I was praying nobody asked me anything.
No such luck.
Good Ole Doctor Such-in-Such in Charge of Cardiology at Duke University Hospital said..
“Excuse me Doctor, I didn’t see you setting there, I am Doctor Such-in-Such in Charge of Cardiology at Duke University Hospital and you are…?”
So I told him my name as my mind was racing for some answers…
Then Doctor Pompous Ass in Charge of Cardiology at Duke University Hospital asked me..
“So what do YOU do?”
That was when inspiration struck
I said “I’m a plastic surgeon”
I figured that got me off the hook for any technical questions and nobody in their right mind would grab a plastic surgeon to save someone, so I figured I was safe.
But you should have seen the heads turn when I said I was a plastic surgeon.
Then Doctor Pompous Ass in Charge of Cardiology at Duke University Hospital, who looked a bit surprised at my earlier answer, asked “What’s a plastic surgeon doing at this conference?”
I don’t know I told him; I got an invitation just like you and decided to come.
And that settled it.
At least until the first speaker took the first thirty minute break of the day…
That was when two ladies setting four rows down from me said…
“Excuse me Doctor”
I didn’t have a clue to who they were talking to, so I kept moving down the aisle
They said it again…
“Excuse me Doctor”
That was when I saw them looking directly at me and I realized I was the “Doctor” they were talking too.
I noticed from their laminated name tags that they were both attorneys from law firms that had more than one name….
“Yes ladies, can I help you?” I said…
“We couldn’t help but overhear that you are a plastic surgeon”
“Yes, that’s right” I said trying to sound like a seasoned medical professional….
“We hate to ask, but could we ask you a question?”
(Here it goes, I am about to be busted)
“Certainly, what can I do for you?”
That was when one of the ladies, looked around sheepishly to be sure no one was watching her and half turned around and asked me, “Do you think my butt is too big, my husband thinks my butt is too big?”
“Certainly not, it’s perfect” I said, “If you came into my office I wouldn’t treat you, it’s quite shapely and is in proportion to your body type, it’s perfect”
She beamed and thanked me profusely
Before I could take another step the other female attorney said “Can I ask you a question too Doctor?”
(I was beginning to enjoy this Doctor stuff)
“Most certainly, what can I do for you?”
“My Husband thinks my nose is too big, should I have it reduced?”
Now let me tell you this lady had a honker on her that would cast a shadow on a sunny day, but I told her; “In size and proportion to your face it’s perfectly symmetrical; I wouldn’t dare touch something that perfect, The Good Lord clearly knew what he was doing when he made your face.”
Both of their faces were glowing as they offered their profound thanks for my professional advice and apologized for interrupting me on my way to the restroom.
I was starting to really enjoy being a Doctor, which was evident during the next thirty minute break when I heard someone say “Excuse me Doctor” and I turned around to see if they were talking to me.
Which they weren’t, but I was stopped by two other female attorneys, before I got to the executive coffee lounge, who did want to talk with me.
“Excuse me Doctor could we speak with you for a moment?”
“Certainly ladies, what can I do for you?” I said, now no longer having to “act” like a seasoned medical professional, hell I was one.
One of the attorneys lifted her skirt, a little too high I might add, to show me her thighs and asked…
“Do you think I need liposuction on my thighs and butt?”
“Could you please turn slightly to your right” I asked with my chin resting comfortably in my hand as I carefully examined her tanned thighs.
After she completed the brief turn as I requested, I said, “Under no circumstances would I recommend or suggest you have liposuction, your thighs as well as your buttocks are perfect for your frame. I certainly wouldn’t allow surgery on you in my office and no one else that works for me would perform such an operation on you either.”
(I think that constituted my first true statement of the day, other than giving the lady at the reception desk my real name: The Marine General I worked for would have had me hung from the Yard Arm if I would have been doing liposuction in my office, so that was a true statement)
The female attorney then said “But I think my legs and butt are too thick”
“Then might I suggest a disciplined PT regiment, I mean…exercise regiment to firm up whatever you are unhappy with, now if you ladies will excuse me”
(My Marine lingo almost messed me up there for a minute)
To say that the two lady attorney’s were pleased with my diagnosis would be an understatement
This scene was repeated throughout the day by both men and women…
I saw, sorry I mean, “Examined”….a variety of butts, breasts, flabby arms, noses, legs and necks.
I was interrupted during dinner that evening to look at some lady’s twisted toes that looked like she a clove foot. Luckily I didn’t see that before my desert arrived, or I might have gotten sick.
(This Doctor business is harder than it looks)
And that was just the first day of the conference and day two had more of the same with people coming out of the woodwork to find me and ask me about something or another they or their significant other wanted changed about them.
And each and every time I said something to the effect of….
“I wouldn’t change a thing and I certainly wouldn’t (Fill in the blank for the requested procedure) perform such a procedure in my office, what you have is perfect and is symmetrical to your body shape and frame.”
(To be honest I told the woman with the clove foot that I didn’t work on feet)
After the fourth day of the conference I lost count of how many “patents” I talked too and how many body parts I had “Examined”.
But I had a moment on the afternoon of the fourth day of the conference that is worth mentioning for those of you that follow the supermarket tabloids.
Two older female attorneys and I were talking on a break in the “executive” coffee bar, when one of them asked me “where” my office was located or “if” I had a business card.
I began to stammer that my “offices” were in New Orleans, Dallas and Los Angeles
(In case you were wondering how I came up with those three cities….
I quickly named every city I could think of where I have seen fake breasts)
(Don’t judge me)
My answer seemed to satisfy their curiosity and then one of them asked me…
“Have you ever done any work on any celebrities?”
Not being one to shy away from controversy I said….
“Well Ladies, you know I really can’t talk about that, but I will tell you one thing..”
I didn’t get the last few words out of my mouth before ten heads appeared out of nowhere around me.
Then I said…
“You don’t think Brad Pitt got to be that good looking on his own do you?”
The crowd gasped and I heard such things as “I knew it” and “I suspected as much”
(My apologies Brad, but that’s what you get for not letting Angelina take any of my calls)
The next day the conference wrapped up at noon and I hated for it to end.
But before I got on the road I had to “check-out” at the registration table.
The lady that checked me into the conference was checking me out and she said….
“Doctor Blackwood you are THE most popular Doctor at this conference, everyone is talking about you”
(Take that Dr. Pompous Ass in Charge of Cardiology at Duke University Hospital)
“Well thank you very much” I said…
“No really” she went on to say…”You are just so down to earth and not pretentious in any way like a lot of the Doctors are here, you act just like the rest of us”
(That’s because I AM like the rest of you)
I left her with, “You are so very kind, thank you”
And just like that my “Doctoring” days were over….
But I kept my laminated “Dr. Blackwood” name tag; you never know when that will come in handy