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Please don’t let the title of this story disturb you. 

I have not as of yet sold the movie rights to my book “Sunnyside Up” (Yet)

And moved to California….. 

But just for the record.

If I was going to move to any “Hollywood” in the country it would be Hollywood Alabama. 

(I Love that place) 

But that aside, I am offering the wealth of my experience in all things Southern to Hollywood. 

“Yes” that one.

Why you may ask?

Because it’s way past time, that’s why.

Due in large part to limiting my television viewing to Turner Classic Movies I have been blissfully unaware that the movie and television moguls of the entertainment industry have once again (and continue too) fail to capture or emulate the beautiful Southern accent. 

I won’t rehash the horrid programs I have seen recently that have actors speaking some over exaggerated Southern dialect that sounds like it came from a plantation somewhere in the 1800’s. 

EDITORS NOTE: Since none of us were alive during that time, nor were there any recordings of such a dialect I am absolutely positive that none..

(As in NONE) of us ever (As in EVER) spoke like that either. 

That being said, or should I say, “Saaaaaaid my Dear Scarlett”

I recognize that there is nothing (absolutely nothing) I can do to fix Hollywood and their blatant disregard and blaspheming of our beautiful language of the South. 

They have made up sayings that we simply don’t say or use, and even worse Hollywood mispronounces everything (“Yes”) everything we say and hold dear. 

I have heard recently, “Well, hush yo mouth!”
(Said in some from of excitement and disbelief) 

As an example..

“Did Yooooo Heaaaaaarrrrr that Marrrrrgrrrret is getttting marrrrried?”

“Well, hush yo mouth!”

EDITORS NOTE: I have never (EVER) heard that ridiculous phrase, as in ever. 

Then we have one of the most well used words in all of the Southern lexicon and language. 

I won’t detail the vile misinterpretation of Hollywood’s use of the word here, but only to say, it’s simply pronounced as “Shittttttteee”.

As an example..

“Did Yooooo Heaaaaaarrrrr that Marrrrrgrrrret is getttting marrrrried?”

“Shittttttteee, it’s about time” 

So how will I assist Hollywood, you may be asking yourself? 

That’s an excellent question. 

Let me explain. 

It has come to my attention through numerous hours of cinematic study that while Hollywood has butchered the beautiful Southern dialect, they have also been remiss in presenting an accurate portrayal of a northern accent. 

There I said it, and this is where I come to the rescue. 

I think we can all agree that a New York City accent is the best birth control device known to mankind. 

That “unique” sound would be difficult to emulate or replicate, but I have the answer. 

The only sound in nature that is even marginally close to the screeching, whining, nasally sound of a New York accent, is that sound made by two possums fighting over a sweet potato in a metal garbage can. 

The scratching of the claws against the metal garbage can, the hissing and whining of the two marsupial combatants is the closest sound on earth to the New York accent. 

EDITORS NOTE: Once my contract with Warner Brothers Studios and 21st Century Fox is signed I will begin the process of recording these hideous sounds for future voice overs in Hollywood movies. 

I won’t stop there……..after all this about realism. 

There are any number of programs filmed in and around Boston and in the New England area. 

You might actually see or hear a conversation as two people walk down the streets of Boston. 

It would go something like this…

“Where did you park your car?”

The other person would reply with…

“I parked my car over there”

Although that’s what you hear, that isn’t even close to being reality of that particular accent. 

You guessed it, this is where I come to the rescue (again) 

This is far more realistic and would add such drama and intrigue to the story line

Just think…

The same scenario, the same conversation…

“WAREEEEEEEEE did YAAAAA PARRRKKKKKKKKKK your KKKKKKKKAAARRR?”

EDITORS NOTE: When replicating the Bostonian accent, it’s important to enunciate what I like to refer to as the “Angry K” sound while dragging the sound of the “R” out. 

The other person with the equally annoying voice would answer with

“I PARRRKKKKKKKK it OVERRRRRRRRR THARRRRRRRRRREEEEEEE You damn HOOOOSSSSE BAG”

I know what you are thinking, and you are right, I am a damn genius. 

But let’s not stop there, I know many people think the mid-west of the north doesn’t have an accent.

That’s just what Hollywood wants you to think. 

Case in point: 

In my beloved South, if you are in the need of a carbonated soft drink, it’s called a “Coke”, that is unless it’s a Dr. Pepper. Why is it so here, because we are all about “the real thing” baby. 

That being stated, television as well as movies on big screen haven’t captured the nuance of mid-western northern word usage as they should either.  

In Ohio (on the example described above) you don’t order a Coke, you order a “Pop”.
But this word must be stated in a nasally, whinny voice for example:

“I cannn’t beliveeeee Coach Ureeeen Myeeere is leeeeaving the Buckeyeees, I need a POP” 

EDITORS NOTE: I failed to mention the dragging of the “E” vowel in each word or sentence that they use, that sounds like the dreadful whine of an old car engine trying to turn over. 

Just think how much more realistic (And Enjoyable!) movies in the future will be with this added realism! 

I understand, much like what you have already realized, that this change to a more realistic dialect from the north will entail most if not all movies streamed in the South to have subtitles. 

That’s ok too, believe it or not most of us can read very well. 

Isn’t that right My Deaaaaaar Scarlettttttt? 

RTR
MEB