Select Page

You might be surprised to know, that a semi-famous Southern author and humorist such as myself, can on occasion during book promotional interviews, how can I say this politely? Go off script.

I know, I am a bit shocked myself.

But to be fair, it’s not always my fault.

In the event you were blissfully unaware, typically, this is how the process is supposed to work.

An author, as in yours truly, will have a variety of interviews, typically over the phone with radio stations and other media outlets, to promote said book as is the case of my newest book “Over Easy”.

The locations for these media promotion blitzes are not chosen haphazardly.

They are selected by demographics of past sales of books similar to mine by genre, category etc. as well as past sales of my first book, “Sunny Side Up”.

This is done primarily for two reasons, to peak interest in the book, which subsequently leads of course to increased book sales, and to stir up interest in the local area for the book promotion tours.

To be fair and in the interest of full disclosure “most” of the interviews for the book I do are in the South and in my beloved adopted State of Texas.

Just so you know, I am “Big Time” in Comanche Texas.

But as book sales increase so do the interviews. From Kansas City Missouri to Fargo North Dakota and a bunch of places in between, I have covered some verbal ground with a lot of people to promote my book.

During these interviews I will be asked about the book, my favorite stories within the book(s), and will field questions about “Doc” The World-Famous Black Lab. I don’t want to say such things are “canned”, but the questions and my subsequent answers follow a rather predictable script.

Although I am prone to drift in many of my conversations, topics other than those described above are usually confined to College Football, Cornbread and Dogs.

It’s also worth noting that most of the people interviewing me are good people that seem generally interested in me who aren’t trying to trick me into some discussion that doesn’t involve my book or topics that I am clearly an expert in such as College Football, Cornbread and Dogs.

You know what I am talking about here.

I will bypass and or simply ignore most questions related to the following:

“What can be done about the dwindling brown bat population in southern New Mexico?”

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, somebody asked me that question. Hell, I haven’t even seen the movie.

“Do I think there is intelligent life on Mars?”

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t think there is any intelligent life left in Washington D.C. so there is that.

“What do I think can be done about Climate Change?”

EDITORS NOTE:
Wait till tomorrow and the weather will change, I guarantee it. Problem solved.

However, the past few weeks I have had more than a few “off the wall” questions from some interviewers but one person in particular, I decided to have some fun with after a barrage of ridiculous questions unrelated to the purpose of the interview, which of course was my book “Over Easy.”

EDITORS NOTE: In an effort to keep from alienating my prospective audiences, I will refrain from naming said location, because one knucklehead interviewer isn’t a reflection of an entire area.

On this particular day I was queued up by the radio producer to talk to the editor of the local newspaper “Lifestyles and Entertainment” section, the producer of the program didn’t seem to be too thrilled to have this guy interview me and said as much. I assured him it would be alright, and then it started.

Pecan: Hello, my name is Pecan, and we are here with the well-known Southern author Mike Blackwood on today’s program to discuss his latest book, “Over Easy.”

ME: Thank you for having me on the program. Pecan? You mean , like the nut?

Pecan: It’s pronounced “PEEEEEEE-CAAAAUN” and it’s French.

ME: I don’t know if it’s French or not, but they grow them in Alabama by the bushel baskets.

Pecan: Let’s talk about your popular book “Over Easy” shall we?

ME: One question before we get started. Do you have a sister named Cashew? Because if you do I pray neither of you went to public school.

Pecan: Your book has developed quite the regional appeal and I understand that you are planning a book signing here, is that correct?

ME: Yes, “Doc” The World-Famous Black Lab and myself are looking forward to spending a few days there and it should be a lot of fun. One last question, did you ever dress up like Mister Peanut for Halloween? That would be hilarious.

Pecan: I want to ask you a few questions off topic that DO NOT involve nuts! I’m sure our readers and listeners would like to know more about you, the author.

ME: Sure, but typically my off-topic conversations are about college football, cornbread, and dogs of which I am a noted expert on, just saying.

Pecan: I have read your book, and somewhat enjoyed the sophomoric humor within its pages as well as your unique, though simple take on the world at large. However, it was glaringly obvious that you didn’t write any stories concerning Transsexuals, is there a particular reason for that omission?

ME: Transsexuals? Well, if people want to meet across state lines at the Motel 6 to engage in some shenanigans I believe that’s their right to do so as long as they aren’t married. Nothing kills the mood quite like a double murder in a bad motel.

Pecan: That’s NOT what am talking about here….

ME: People in Chattanooga are bad to be transsexuals since they can cross right over into Georgia and Alabama is right around the corner.

Pecan: No, I am talking about Gender Fluidity?

ME: I would say the housekeepers at the Motel 6 can tell you all about cleaning that fluidity up the following morning after some transsexuals met up the night before to do God knows what. I bet they even had to chase the llama out of the room.

Pecan: I don’t find your comments particularly humorous.

ME: I bet those housekeepers at the Motel 6 don’t think it’s too damn funny either. I can’t imagine how disgusting that clean-up was, makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

Pecan: The point I am attempting to make is that, although you attempt to make light of the pandemic that affected so many in this country and around the world, you failed, in my opinion to address social ills that also have had a profound impact upon our daily lives.

ME: Really? Like what?

Pecan: There isn’t a single mention of BLM in any of your stories.

ME: I assure you both “Doc” and I are strong supporters of “Black Lab’s Matter.”

Pecan: You don’t have any stories in either of your books concerning the LBGTQI community either.

ME: The what?

Pecan: LBGTQI

ME: I don’t know why you feel the need to spell in front of me, I find it to be rather insulting.

Pecan: You have never heard of the LGBTQI Community?

ME: There you go spelling again and just for the record, that’s not a word, just so you know.

Pecan: You are impossible!

ME: Well, I’m not the one making up words and then spelling them in an effort to sound smart.

Pecan: Let’s change topics, you are giving me a headache.

ME: Fine by me as long as you don’t start making up spelling words again.

Pecan: I understand your book has been banned on Facebook as have you, do you care to comment?

ME: Sure, apparently some people don’t like humorous stories, or stories about faith and encouragement. Who really knows? The Nazis at Facebook don’t tell you other than to say, “The cover of your book and or the contents was deemed offensive by some viewers, readers.”

Pecan: Have you searched your conscience to ensure there isn’t anything offensive in your book?

ME: Yeah, I’m good. It’s probably just the Tennessee Taliban or some other weak-minded individuals that look for something to be offended by that’s all.

Pecan: So, it doesn’t bother you that you may have written something offensive to some people in your book?

ME: I will tell you what bothers me, is those housekeepers having to clean up that gender fluidity at the Motel 6 after them transsexuals met up for a night of carrying on like two rabid lemur monkeys.

Pecan: What do you think about our current President?

ME: He doesn’t

Pecan: He doesn’t what?

ME: THINK. That dude’s brain is a like a BB bouncing around in a boxcar. But that’s what a bunch of dead people voted for, so there you have it.

Pecan: You are the most difficult guest I have ever had.

ME: Thank you it’s always good to be number one, Roll Tide.

Pecan: One last question, and we will wrap this interview up.

ME: Shoot

Pecan: I understand you and your canine companion will be staying several days here for book signings and the like, and as the paper as well as the radio station will be sponsoring this event, do you have any special dietary requirements during your stay?

ME: Dietary requirements? I’m a Marine as long as there are crayons to eat and alcohol to drink I will be ok.

Pecan: No, I mean like, do you require anything gluten free?

ME: Well, as a freedom loving American I, like many others out there listening, want Gluten to be Free too. I have traveled the world as a Marine and although I have never been to the country of Gluten, I think the people there should be free. I think it’s located somewhere near Lithuania, but I can’t be sure.

Pecan: No, wait, what, that’s not…

ME: I hate to interrupt you but in an effort to help support “Free Gluten” I will donate a portion of my book signing sales there towards Freeing the fine people of Gluten. Together we can make a difference.

Pecan: You are impossible

ME: No mission is impossible; I think if nothing else Tom Cruise taught us all that in the twenty-two movies he made with the same name. I will have a “Free Gluten” banner made for the book signing, no need to thank me.

Pecan: I am done here…

EDITORS NOTE: You can hear something hitting the floor in the background and someone walking away.

ME: “FREE GLUTEN!” FREE GLUTEN!”

The Radio Station Producer: (Laughter) I think you broke him (More Laughter)

ME: Hopefully he can cry it out in his safe space.

The Radio Station Producer:
This was the best interview we have had in a LONG time, thanks Mike!

ME: Thank you for having me on sir, I really appreciate it. I look forward to the visit and meeting you all in person. Who knows maybe we can Free Gluten in the process, those people are oppressed.

The Radio Station Producer: (Laughter) Thanks again, we will have you on “live” when you get here.

ME: I look forward to it, sir. Thank you again.

The Radio Station Producer: See you when you get here, Mike

ME: “FREE GLUTEN!” FREE GLUTEN!”

EDITORS NOTE: Now, some of you might be thinking I was too hard on Mister Peanut.

But before you judge me too harshly I would like to say two things in my defense.

One, you ask me a question I am going to answer it honestly.

Two, The PEE-CAN Man forgot what the commercial said…

“Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t”

RTR
MEB