Select Page

I was talking with a dear friend of mine over the phone a couple of weeks ago and I heard her say something, a phrase, a few words that made me pause in the conversation.

It made me stop in the middle of what we were talking about and I even interrupted her to disagree with the phrase she used and that was when it hit me.

I needed to accept reality

The Cold Hard Truth as the late great George Jones sang about

The Bottom Line…

The Man in the Mirror…..

I needed to Face the Facts

I don’t remember exactly what she said or how she said it, but despite her being considerably younger than I am as in considerably younger, she said “I am getting old”.

I laughed it off and I corrected her with “No you most certainly are not!”

But that made me realize something shocking, truly shocking.

I can’t even hardly type the words, but I am old.

Damn it I am.

I won’t say how old I am but when I was born there were forty eight states and we had a General for a President and “No” I am not from Panama, Brazil or the Ukraine.

I remember when President Kennedy was shot in Dallas and despite what locals here may think of me I wasn’t on the Grassy Knoll that day (or was I …..)

Sure my right hip hurts like hell, but that’s because it was dislocated once back in….

O’ hell, there I go again, was it that many years ago?

Please give me a minute….

I am doing the math in my head now as I run the laundry list of injuries I have had…..

My left knee….

My neck….

My shoulder…..

That one time, with my arm and wrist….

Damn that all seems like a long time ago but it seems like yesterday

(Isn’t that a phrase Old People use?)

I never thought I was going to be old, old-err sure but never old.

Maybe it’s because it’s just “Doc” the Black Lab and I and we are unencumbered with discussions of kids, grandkids etc and he and I rarely (if ever) share our medical maladies with one another.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen myself as being old, I don’t feel old.

Not really

I am still in great shape and I don’t have any liver spots or wear horned rimmed glasses.

I don’t wear shoes with Velcro across the top of them or own any orthopedic socks

I have never owned a Buick….(The Designated Old Persons Automobile)

Maybe it’s because Doc and I are currently being held against our will as Prisoners of War (POW’s) in East Tennessee in the on going war with the Hillbilly Taliban and we simply don’t (and can’t) get out to meet people our own age etc.

I don’t go to high school reunions, to see anybody my age.

Hell why would I go anyway I went to six different high schools, why would I go?

I wasn’t at most of those schools long enough to find my book locker.

So maybe it’s because I no longer have a point of reference, you know, like somebody locked in solitary confinement doesn’t see his or her fellow prisoners.

Doc and I had Inga the Swedish exchange student here this past summer for a few weeks and I certainly didn’t feel old or out of place even when listening to her sing the lovely songs of her country in a language I didn’t understand, I didn’t feel old or whatever.

In fact it made me feel the opposite of that.

Sadly Inga had to return to her college after I could no longer read the name on my credit card and the magnetic strip on the back of the card was held together with scotch tape.

The things I will do for the youth of the world……

But I am getting off track here, sorry…..

Isn’t that an “Old Person” trait too?

It was then I took a hard look at myself

I still know all the capitals of all fifty states

(There are still fifty states right?)

I know I mostly watch Turner Classic Movies and those are “old” movies, but they are better than anything made today, hence the term “classic”.

Sure I don’t watch any “Award” shows primarily because I don’t care and secondly because I don’t have the faintest clue to who any of the damn people are on the programs.

Not to mention I don’t really want to see “Little Possum Foot” win an award for his song that references words that rhyme with “Witch”, killing police-persons or performing circus acts with someone with large buttocks.

I won’t subject myself to the acceptance speech that goes something like this……

“I want to thank God, you know, for helping me write the song, you know, like yeah!”

EDITORS NOTE: I am not too smart and I can give references to support that claim, but I am absolutely positive that GOD didn’t have anything to do with writing THAT particular song.

Then I looked at the remainder of my television viewing…..

I watch College Football, of course and Roll Tide…..

I don’t really watch Professional (I use that term loosely) Football anymore because it’s not the same game that I grew up with and it certainly isn’t as exciting to me.

I haven’t seen a basketball game since Pistol Pete Maravich died…..

I don’t understand hockey and soccer is for Frenchmen and girls so I don’t watch that “sport” either.

I don’t have “stories” that I watch like old people used to tune into during the day…..



Sure I watch the Weather Channel but that’s only to see Stephanie Abrams…..

(Don’t you dare judge me, just don’t)

Also A-LOT of people watch the Weather Channel, it’s always on in Doctor’s offices and even at Doc’s Veterinarians office.

I have “seen” The Wheel of Fortune only after Vanna White was “seen” in Playboy magazine. But don’t think ill of me, it was just out of curiosity, honest it was.

I have no need to watch “Jeopardy” because I know all there is to know about Lake Victoria, Ernest Hemingway and the Mississippi River.

But then I realized I watch “Family Feud”

My Lord, that was it……

That’s exactly what “Old” people do too.

I have caught myself shouting the answers out loud with the contestants …..

I have willed some families to actual victory on the program and I like Steve Harvey.

In fact I think Steve Harvey is funny as hell……

So there it was, Family Feud. And “yes” I have even watched it over and over again on the “Game Show Network”, hell I didn’t even know I had that channel until….

I started looking for more “Family Feud” episodes…

So there it is I guess…..

I am old

Damn it

I would say more here, but I only have a few minutes to get online and order my Velcro shoes before Family Feud comes on (Again)