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Not to sound naïve or anything.

But until I was confined at home and was forced to watch something during the day other than Turner Classic Movies due to them scheduling “Hollywood Musical Week”,

I had no idea about all the maladies affecting people today.

I am talking here about, television commercials.

I guess it all started when I caught half of a commercial that was promoting something called a “Happiness Guarantee” from some place called Angie’s List.

“Who Doesn’t Want a Happiness Guarantee?” I thought to myself.

In all fairness, it’s been a long time since I had a Happiness Guarantee.

Although it was later in the day and I “may” have already had “a couple” as they say, but I called the number listed at the end of the commercial, nonetheless.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me, it was Tuesday, and it was after 1500.

The young lady on the phone said her name was Caroline and so I asked if I could speak to Angie.

Caroline, kind of giggled and told me that this was “Angie’s List” and then asked what she could do for me. Now, we were getting somewhere, so I said I wanted my “Happiness Guarantee”.

Caroline, cleared her throat and said politely that “I would have to buy something.”

EDITORS NOTE: There’s the catch.

So, I proceeded to tell Caroline “what” I would like and then added with some emphasis I might add, how I was looking forward to my “Happiness Guarantee” along with my order.

I will not repeat here what Caroline said before she rudely hung up on me, but the word pervert may have escaped her lips.

In my defense, these people have never been to the Philippines because “Happiness Guarantee” has an entirely different meaning there. Just saying.

But I digress.

After this debacle, I saw something for what equates to is, “Invisible Braces” for your teeth.

The commercial says they are inexpensive or at least cheaper than a dentist, and it shows a couple of “Before” and “After” pictures with some people that have used the product.

Here is my problem.

The “Before” pictures of the people looked just fine to me.

You want to impress me and or sell your product to the outside world?

Show some “Before” pictures of people that could eat corn on the cob through a tennis racket.

“Then” show how this magic mouthpiece straightens someone’s choppers out.

There I said it.

The next day, there was a commercial for a medicine for a disease that is too long to fit on the back of a football jersey, but I will simplify it here by calling it “Bug Eyed Disease.”

There is this nice looking blonde headed lady with big sunglasses on her face and the voice on the commercial is talking about this or that about the “Bug Eyed Disease” and how the drug is successful with treatment etc.

I never knew there was such a thing as “Bug Eyed Disease.”

What makes the commercial worse is they NEVER showed the woman take her big sunglasses off.

I have seen the commercial three times and she never takes those sunglasses off.

Why is that important to me?

Well, I will tell you. I want to see what Bug-Eyed Disease looks like.

If she took those glasses off would she looked like she backed into an electric fence?

Is it the same look on a man’s face when he gets a “surprise” prostate examination?

Would she look like the sister of the great bug-eyed actor Marty Feldman?

I guess we will never know what “IT” looks like, at least I won’t anyway.

Not more than an hour later, there was a commercial on for some website called,

“Align My Toes”

EDITORS NOTE: Thank God I wasn’t eating lunch when this one came on..

In my time I have seen people with buzzard toes, turkey feet, and even claw hammer toes.

But I have never seen anything like the whacked-out feet they showed in the commercial animation.

I will get right to it.

This website is trying to sell people with jacked-up feet with some drugs and orthopedic shoes.

In an effort to “supposedly” help with this problem that I never even knew was a problem.

I have a suggestion, don’t wear sandals, open toed shoes, or go barefooted in public.

Problem solved and you can keep that dirty little secret to yourselves.

Same goes with buzzard toes, turkey feet and claw hammer toes.

You may be saying or thinking that I am an insensitive louse.

I am neither of those.

Case in point

I am shorter than most men, but you won’t ever see me in elevator shoes or wear anything of the sort.

Unless you count the hair growing on my ears, I don’t have any hair on my head either.

But I am not buying a wig, toupee or spraying my scalp with chemicals like a Nebraska cornfield hoping to get a crop of hair. I will confess however, as a joke mind you, that I bought a toupee once.

I couldn’t resist buying it.

Not out of some vanity , or because I am self-conscious but because I saw it in a store window, and it looked like it was made from leftover remnant carpet with some elastic around the edges and it had a thin rubber band that went underneath your chin that was connected to the toupee.

Presumably “IF” someone didn’t notice the carpet on my head then they certainly wouldn’t notice the rubber band that was attached to it either.

Hell, I wore that damn thing everywhere.

I even had an attractive woman buy me a drink once while I wore it.

Her seeing eyed dog was beautiful.

I have a few other issues, too many to go through here, so that leads me to this fine point.

In my life, I think there are two kinds of people.

There are “Elvis” people and there are “Jerry Lee Lewis” people.

You can like, even love both or one or none of their music, but that isn’t what this is all about.

Simply put, Elvis cared what everyone thought of him and stayed a prisoner in his own house when he gained weight because he was afraid of criticism, what people would say about him.

He died young and took prescription medication to escape his fear of rejection.

It’s true.

Jerry Lee Lewis didn’t and doesn’t give two damns’ rubbed together what you think about him.

You might be thinking,

He married his thirteen-year-old cousin!

Jerry Lee Lewis never apologized for that and still won’t.

That guy was a drunken Wildman!

He admits all that but still, doesn’t give a damn what you think.

He sang the devils music!!!

“IF” you believe that, then you never heard Jerry Lee sing “Precious Memories”

He was a womanizer!

I am quite sure in his time there was indeed “A Whole lot of Shakin’ going on”

But Jerry Lee still doesn’t care what you think about it.

You don’t have to declare here, but me, I am a Jerry Lee Lewis kind of guy.

So, my point is this, are you going to accept who you are on the outside and roll with it or are you going to accentuate what you perceive as your imperfections and worry and stress over it.

Are you really going to worry about what “other” people think about you?

It’s a reasonable question.

I can’t help but notice in all the commercials I have seen the past week there isn’t any “fix” for peoples general attitudes and dispositions. Because that’s what really counts.

The person on the inside.

So, don’t worry about your jacked up feet or being bug-eyed as a chameleon.

Be a good person, work on that.

However, in the event you need to feel better about yourself I have some pictures of a rather dapper looking gentleman in a ridiculous remnant carpet toupee I could share with you.

Great Balls of Fire, he’s Shagadelic.