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I had to go into a well known pharmacy chain the other day for my medications and other medical supplies and I noticed the sign above isle four, it said….

“Incontinence and Family Planning”

Don’t those two things kind of conflict with each other?

You know, like a sign that says “Chocolate and Dietary Needs”

I don’t know how buying adult diapers and condoms go together

(Unless you’re into that kind of thing)

I really can’t believe a conversation would go some thing like this…

“Honey you sure look sexy in those depends, let’s get naughty”

So as my medications were being prepared behind the counter I took a look around

I saw the sign “Art Supplies on Sale”

And there before me was a large box of Crayola Crayons

I haven’t seen those things in seemingly forever

Now I will tell you something you may not know about me

I am colored blind

(As in seriously colored blind)

To this day I need to be careful about what I wear in public or I will look like Stevie Wonder picked out my clothes

As you can imagine having a “disability” such as this has been difficult for a middle aged black man such as myself, forcing me to “learn” colors as opposed to just knowing which colors are which, like the rest of you.

So I opened the box of crayons and I read the “color” on the side of a few of the crayons

Atomic Tangerine….(What the hell is that supposed to be?)

Burnt Sienna……(Why would somebody burn Sienna, she always seemed so sweet)

Magenta….(That’s not a color, that’s the name of a famous flamingo dancer)

Sepia…. (I thought that was something you got from a toilet seat in Mexico)

This was all too confusing and frankly not very helpful in the least, in fact I found it down right stupid.

But it’s times like these that inspiration strikes me and strike it did

What Crayola Crayons really needs to do is to produce a box of Crayons for adults over the age of fifty, like myself. These particular crayons would be “user friendly” by identifying the particular colors by word or name association.

For example…..

Currently Crayola has a crayon called “Raw Umber”

What the hell is that? It sounds like a naked German got loose in the U Boat

Do you see what I mean? They use words and phrases that we don’t know what they are.

Here are some of my proposals for the “Crayola Crayon Over Fifty Crayon Pack”

“Oops” (Brown)

“Painful Discharge” (Yellowish Green)

“Depends” (Gray)

“Rash” (Light Red)

“Infected” (Dark Red)

“Road Cone” (Orange)

“Clean up on Aisle 7” (Pea Green)

“Old Peoples Toes” (Yellowish Tan)

“Illegal Alien” or “Undocumented Crayon” (Light to Medium Brown)

“Incontinence” (Yellow)

“Damn It” (Purple)

EDITORS NOTE: I used the above name because that’s what you say when you hit your toe on the coffee table and that is also the subsequent color your toe is before the swelling goes down.

The conversations one would have would be much easier to understand with the adoption of this useful and helpful color schematic

Such as

“Jimmy hand me that Illegal Alien”

Or when going to a car dealer and looking for your new automobile in the “right” color

“Sir Do you have this model in a painful discharge?”

See what I mean?

I am currently working on a completely revised color chart for this proposed project and will have an update for you when the project is completed.

But before I do that….

I have to get out of here with my medication and this deluxe box of Depends

I have a feeling the cashier isn’t buying my story that they were a “gift”

I can still hear her giggling from the parking lot