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I am as guilty as most men….

I admit it

I don’t always read the instructions before using something

O.k. maybe never, but whose counting

Maybe it’s just not in our nature

I don’t know

I do know that most men I know don’t ever, ever read the instructions

Now that’s not to say I haven’t done something stupid by “accident” which is entirely different than purposely ignoring instructions.

Like the time I “accidently” brushed my teeth with Preparation H.

That was an accident I assure you, but as a side note my teeth were never whiter and I didn’t have a single wrinkle in my smile.

But I am getting off the subject…

What I am talking about here is either not taking the time to “actually” look at instructions or forgoing reading the things altogether.

I don’t know about you, but for me, more often than not that spells one thing: “Disaster”

To be honest, even with my history of screw-ups in this regard I’m not quite sure why I still continue this same pattern of behavior.

I think it’s just how we men are wired, all of us.

I think this rule is universal, regardless of social status

Let me give you a perfect example of this theory of mine

A few years ago a Navy buddy of mine and I were required to attend a debrief of sorts at what the government likes to refer to as a “secure” facility in the Northern Virginia area.

If you saw the building from the outside it looks like any other non-descript building anywhere in the Northern Virginia area.

No signs outside, no advertisements, no nothing

Nothing out of the ordinary until you entered the building.

Then there were a myriad of security features one has to pass through before you can get to your assigned location. (Cue the theme from “James Bond”)

No, actually it’s not that sexy at all, I was just leading you on there for a minute, but I will apologize for the catchy theme song now running through your brain.

But before I tell you about the buildings security features that I mentioned, actually one in particular. Let me tell you about my Navy friend.

I will say that “John” is the stereotypical Navy SEAL that you might see on television or in the movies.

He is six foot three inches tall and built like an NFL linebacker

And like most of those guys, he isn’t some muscle bound dummy.

John has a Bachelors Degree from a big name university

He also has a Master’s Degree

John can speak four languages fluently, unlike me who still struggles with the English language.

He’s a great guy, a “detail” guy who never seems to miss anything.

Calm, cool and collected; that’s John

But he is still a man

So with that being said John and I make our way into the building, give the lady behind the glass our names to be sure we were on the “list”, show our credentials, pass through the metal detectors and make our way down the drab colored hall to a small doorway.

Once you passed through this doorway, there was a chair setting next to a vault door and on that vault door were a number of instructions on what you could have and not have inside the vault and they were all listed below the “instructions” for the “Retina Scanner” which was the final step needed to enter the vault.

Behind the vault, there were one or two persons monitoring the close circuit television cameras watching the tiny lobby in front of the vault.

So after John and I made our way through the tiny doorway to the small lobby in the front of the vault it suddenly occurred to me that I was going to be “back” in the vault for several hours and I knew they didn’t have a restroom back there and now was maybe my only chance to “go” for a while.

So I told John that I was going to hit the restroom that just so happened to be right outside the little door John and I had just passed through, and told him that I would be “right back”

Was I ever glad I took the time to go to the restroom.

I don’t know what it is about coffee, but anymore I don’t really drink it, I’m just renting it for half an hour.

I washed my hands and before I put my hand on the door handle to open the door leading back to the vault, I heard John cussing up a storm.

Something had to be really “wrong” because that wasn’t like the calm, cool and collected John I knew, that guy never gets upset.

I opened the door and I wasn’t prepared for what I saw

There before me, standing on the chair, with his pants down was all six foot three of John with his bare butt pointing or shall I say mooning the vault all the while cussing up a storm.

“John, what the hell are you DOING?”

Looking up from being bent over with his butt towards the vault, John said in no uncertain terms but censored here; “This damn security crap has gone too damn far NOW!

Who in the HELL ever heard of a DAMN rectum scanner!”

(Yes he really did say “Rectum” scanner, I can only imagine what the guys watching this on the close circuit televisions were thinking)

Now I had a decision to make…..

I could let my buddy continue to make a fool of himself and potentially have him listed as some sort of pervert on a government website and possibly get us both thrown out the facility.

Or I could do the “Right Thing” here….

We men have to stick together so I said….

“John, it’s a RETINA scanner, NOT a RECTUM scanner”

John, still bent over gave me a look like my Black Lab “Doc” does when I make a funny farting noise.
“What?”

“John, for the love of God get your pants up, it’s a retina scanner, like for your eyes”

“Mike I KNOW what a retina scanner is….”

“Well evidently NOT John because you were about to brown eye the scanner before I got in here and by the way you are welcome”

Now here was this guy that IS the “best of the best” and smarter than most people and yet, John didn’t take the time to read the instructions.

Knowing he had embarrassed himself, John slowly pulled his pants back up and stepped off the chair and with defeat in his voice only said one thing, “Well hell”

There is no need to tell you that once we preformed the “proper” retina scan and went into the vault, the looks John and I both received from the attendants behind the vault was something akin to something two hillbillies get from the town folk when they make their first trip to town.

John later said that he would “swear” that he thought the sign said “Rectum Scanner”, but you see he didn’t take the time to read the instructions below the sign or he would have known better.

So you see Ladies, it doesn’t matter; we men just aren’t adapted to reading instructions, or asking for directions even for someone as smart as John.

So take it easy on us ladies, please? We can’t help it

Now I’m not judging my friend or his actions

I’m just glad he didn’t think the sign said…..

“Rectum Stretcher”

Or I may had died on that lobby floor laughing

RTR

MEB